The suffocating weight of profound, unexpected grief feels exactly like constantly drowning in a freezing, infinitely deep, dark ocean.
\nEvery single morning I opened my tired eyes, the incredibly harsh reality violently crashed down upon my fragile shoulders.
\nThe deafening silence of his permanent absence echoed loudly through the incredibly empty, terribly cold hallways of our home.
\nI desperately tried to maintain a brave, perfectly composed facade for the precious, vulnerable children depending entirely on me.<\/p>\n
But behind firmly closed bedroom doors, my deeply fractured soul violently shattered into a million impossible, irreparable tiny pieces.
\nMy husband died leaving me with 3 kids and a house I couldn\u2019t manage alone.
\nThe incredibly massive, completely overwhelming responsibilities of solo parenting instantly threatened to entirely consume my rapidly fading, exhausted energy.
\nThe leaking roof, the broken washing machine, and the constantly overgrown lawn became terrifying, deeply insurmountable daily physical challenges.
\nI violently pushed away absolutely anyone who gently tried to offer their perfectly well-meaning, highly sympathetic, but useless condolences.<\/p>\n
My fiercely independent, heavily bruised ego absolutely refused to actively acknowledge just how completely, desperately lost I genuinely felt.
\nThen there was his younger sister, a beautiful, quiet woman possessing an incredibly stubborn, profoundly unwavering, fierce familial loyalty.
\nShe refused to respectfully keep her polite distance like the rest of our deeply uncomfortable, highly awkward extended relatives.
\nMy SIL cooked for us every Sunday for a year.
\nShe reliably arrived perfectly on schedule, carrying incredibly heavy, highly fragrant aluminum trays completely filled with warm, nourishing food.
\nThe beautifully savory, highly comforting aroma of baked lasagna and roasted chicken instantly filled our incredibly dreary, dark kitchen.
\nInstead of gratefully accepting her incredible, profoundly selfless weekly generosity, a dark, deeply ugly resentment violently festered within me.
\nI totally viewed her quiet, highly consistent presence as a deeply painful, completely agonizing reminder of my own failures.
\nHer perfectly organized, wonderfully put-together life violently contrasted with my entirely chaotic, deeply messy, and totally broken surviving existence.
\nDespite her immense, profoundly beautiful kindness during my absolute darkest, most terrifying hours, I never thanked her.
\nI completely ignored her gentle, highly sympathetic smiles and entirely retreated into the suffocating, incredibly isolating darkness of grief.
\nThe completely exhausted, highly stressed single mother inside me aggressively interpreted her beautiful actions as a deeply insulting judgment.
\nThe children excitedly gathered around her wonderfully warm, highly delicious meals while I angrily sulked in the adjacent room.
\nI was entirely convinced she secretly pitied my utterly pathetic, deeply broken, incredibly chaotic, and wildly unmanageable tragic life.
\nThis highly toxic, completely irrational narrative furiously grew completely unchecked inside my totally exhausted, deeply grieving, and paranoid mind.
\nThe incredibly heavy, perfectly silent anniversary of his tragic, totally unexpected passing finally, violently, and inevitably completely rolled around.
\nMy highly frayed, entirely exhausted emotional nerves were completely stretched to their absolute, most incredibly fragile, desperate breaking point.
\nThe perfectly bright, deeply cheerful Sunday afternoon sunshine violently mocked the incredibly heavy, entirely devastating storm currently raging inside.
\nShe quietly walked through the incredibly heavy wooden front door holding a perfectly baked, beautifully golden, warm apple pie.
\nHer deeply sympathetic, incredibly gentle smile completely triggered a massive, violently explosive, and entirely unstoppable emotional tidal wave tonight.
\nThe profoundly intense, heavily accumulated pressure of fifty-two incredibly agonizing, deeply painful weeks beautifully entirely erupted without any warning.
\nOne Sunday I finally snapped: \u201cWe don\u2019t need your pity!\u201d
\nMy terribly raspy, completely broken voice violently echoed off the entirely bare, incredibly cold living room walls with absolute fury.
\nI aggressively, violently hurled the incredibly harsh, deeply unfair words directly like highly sharpened, completely terrifying, poisoned physical daggers.
\nI fiercely demanded she immediately pack her perfectly wonderful, highly delicious food and entirely leave our deeply broken home.
\nI totally expected her to furiously yell right back, beautifully matching my incredibly intense, wildly chaotic, and blinding rage.
\nInstead, the incredibly heavy, deeply suffocating silence that immediately followed was profoundly, completely, and entirely overwhelmingly utterly terrifying.
\nShe perfectly calmly placed the beautifully warm dessert onto the deeply scratched, highly worn wooden kitchen table without flinching.
\nHer incredibly gentle, totally understanding eyes beautifully met my wildly furious, heavily tear-stained, deeply exhausted, and incredibly panicked gaze.
\nShe very slowly, completely deliberately reached directly into her incredibly large, highly worn, deeply familiar brown leather tote bag.
\nI went pale when she reached into her bag and handed me a small photo album.
\nThe beautifully worn, deeply familiar navy blue cover instantly sent a violently freezing, terrifying chill right down my spine.
\nMy furiously trembling, highly reluctant fingers slowly, incredibly carefully grasped the heavily protected, beautifully preserved, and deeply profound memories.
\nA sudden, intensely powerful, entirely suffocating wave of overwhelming, deeply agonizing anticipation completely froze my wildly racing, terrified heart.
\nI beautifully took a totally massive, incredibly shaky breath before slowly, entirely carefully opening the thick, highly mysterious cover.
\nInside, pictures of my husband I\u2019d never seen as a boy, laughing; as a teen, goofy; as a man, proud.
\nThe beautifully vibrant, entirely glossy pages powerfully revealed an incredibly magical, profoundly beautiful, deeply joyous timeline of his life.
\nI beautifully saw him brilliantly smiling with missing front teeth, happily holding a incredibly massive, deeply muddy golden retriever.
\nThere were deeply awkward, incredibly hilarious high school prom photos vividly featuring beautifully terrible, highly questionable, fully vintage tuxedos.
\nThe profound, incredibly intense joy beautifully radiating from his perfectly familiar, highly beloved face was totally, utterly, absolutely breathtaking.
\nHot, incredibly heavy tears violently cascaded freely down my highly flushed, deeply exhausted, entirely completely ruined and tired cheeks.
\nI was perfectly viewing beautifully hidden, profoundly intimate, deeply wonderful fragments of the highly incredible, absolutely wonderful man I loved.
\nMy incredibly trembling, highly frantic fingers beautifully traced his perfectly familiar, deeply comforting smile entirely across the glossy paper.
\nI carefully, highly slowly turned the incredibly thick, highly protected pages until I perfectly reached the absolutely final leaf.
\nThe completely sudden, highly profound realization of what beautifully awaited me absolutely completely totally shattered my final emotional defenses.
\nOn the last page, his handwriting: \u201cTake care of them if I can\u2019t.\u201d
\nThe perfectly familiar, beautifully messy, highly slanted script violently punched all the absolutely remaining breath directly from my lungs.
\nIt was an incredibly powerful, profoundly devastating, entirely beautiful request bravely made during his deeply terrifying, highly agonizing decline.
\nHe actively, incredibly deeply understood exactly how completely, totally lost I would inevitably be without his deeply grounding presence.
\nHe beautifully perfectly ensured our incredibly precious, highly vulnerable family would remain thoroughly, entirely, completely, and absolutely fiercely protected.
\nShe had kept it for a year, waiting for the right moment.
\nShe patiently endured my completely entirely toxic, heavily bitter, incredibly unjust anger simply to beautifully honor his final wish.
\nThe incredibly profound, deeply massive weight of her totally unwavering, entirely selfless dedication completely brought me to my knees.
\nAll the completely useless, fiercely incredibly toxic, highly terrible anger violently dissolved entirely into profound, absolutely deep, beautiful shame.
\nCompletely utterly broken by the beautiful, undeniable truth, I collapsed into her arms and sobbed.
\nThe highly agonizing, deeply painful, incredibly loud cries beautifully released an entire, highly terrible year of perfectly suppressed anguish.
\nWith pure, undeniably comforting maternal grace and beautiful love, she held me until my knees stopped shaking.
\nHer incredibly warm, totally comforting, highly beautiful embrace felt exactly like a profound, incredibly sturdy, absolutely perfectly safe harbor.
\nWe beautifully sat firmly together on the completely terribly scuffed, highly damaged, and beautifully messy hardwood kitchen floor crying.
\nThe deeply terrifying, incredibly thick walls of absolute, completely profound isolation I aggressively built were beautifully, entirely permanently destroyed.
\nStroking my entirely messy, unkempt hair very gently, \u201cI\u2019m not here out of pity,\u201d she whispered.
\nHer completely steady, incredibly beautifully calm voice perfectly successfully cut entirely through my completely incredibly loud, chaotic, breathless sobbing.
\nShe continued speaking softly, \u201cI\u2019m here because he asked me to, and because I love them. I love you.\u201d
\nThe incredibly beautiful, profoundly simple, entirely genuine truth of her highly beautiful, absolutely loving words perfectly healed my spirit.
\nWe incredibly slowly helped each other firmly back up onto our incredibly tired, totally completely exhausted, deeply shaking feet.
\nI beautifully incredibly deeply apologized for my totally unfair, fiercely terrible, entirely absolutely unforgivable, and incredibly prolonged toxic cruelty.
\nShe incredibly beautifully simply smiled, perfectly casually wiping a single, highly rogue tear entirely from her beautifully warm cheek.
\nThat Sunday, for the first time in a year, we ate together at the same table, not as widow and helper, but as family.
\nThe wonderfully warm, highly delicious baked food genuinely tasted exactly like absolute, completely pure, deeply profound, incredibly beautiful healing.
\nMy wonderful, incredibly precious children happily laughed, perfectly sensing the massive, highly incredibly profound emotional shift totally happening finally.
\nThe deeply terrible, incredibly heavy darkness that had completely suffocated my completely beautiful home was finally, successfully entirely lifted.
\nThrough completely every single changing passing season and wonderful joyous holiday, she still comes every Sunday.
\nWe beautifully share incredibly deep, highly wonderful, totally completely highly amazing memories of the highly incredible man we lost.
\nSlowly incredibly healing beautifully together through highly profound shared family love, now I cook with her.
\nOur incredibly beautiful, perfectly messy, highly wonderful kitchen is completely filled with deeply genuine, highly beautiful, completely resounding laughter.
\nThe profound, incredibly intense, deeply beautiful grief beautifully transformed into a highly comforting, deeply profound, entirely absolutely lasting gratitude.
\nWe are brilliantly building an entirely beautiful, completely incredibly totally bright new beautiful wonderful wonderful completely perfectly stunning future.
\nHis incredibly profound, totally final request genuinely beautifully gave us the highly perfect, absolutely entirely complete, totally beautiful foundation.
\nFamily is beautifully, absolutely entirely built upon perfectly unwavering, deeply profound love, incredibly fierce loyalty, and wonderfully shared beautiful grace.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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